Dear Jiu Jitsu Little Sister

A Letter from a Big Sister

Dear Jiu Jitsu Little Sister,

After spending more than a decade in martial arts training across several disciplines, I’ve come to realize that the journey in jiu jitsu for those of us identifying as “sisters” is fundamentally different than the persistent, inflexible, and privileged narratives of “traditional masculinity” that dominate this art, sport, and practice. 

With this letter, my aspiration for you, Jiu Jitsu Little Sister, is that you may listen, digest and reflect on the Jiu Jitsu Big Sister journey that I have experienced thus far. I understand that you are here to make your own choices (and even your own mistakes), so I shall not try to make you feel a certain way, or unduly influence your steps onto certain paths. My primary hope, instead, is to forge a connection between my past and your present, so that your future in jiu jitsu may be filled with joy. 

Give yourself permission to feel and to express emotions and thoughts. Speak out and up even if such expressions would challenge the notions of what your gym or society expects for you and your jiu jitsu. Do so even if such behavior is a new skill that you’re still trying to cultivate. Expand and open up your mental and physical techniques, communicate what you need from your training partners and coach, and allow your jiu jitsu to be the truest, most authentic expression of your spirit. Anytime you feel like you “should” do something, consider pausing and seeing whether it is aligned with the values that you stand for. 

Embrace abundance and remember that you deserve to feel good. There will be many times in your journey that you will feel like you’re “not enough”. Whether it’s because you have fewer medals, competitions, experience, mat time, friends, followers, or any other metric, the burden of scarcity may put a damper on your jiu jitsu experience at best, and may cause you to quit at worst. You may want to tell yourself that your jiu jitsu “sucks” because you “fail” to train enough, win enough, or improve fast enough. Constantly feeling like you’re not enough, which is a scarcity mindset,  is a potentially dangerous path that can lead you to places where you equate your identity to pain and suffering while failing to see a different alternative: one that celebrates your presence in jiu jitsu, regardless of the outcomes.

Here’s a secret for jiu jitsu happiness: success comes in different forms. 

If you’re competing against someone else, you are inherently limited by their sphere of potential and success. Yes, it may seem like they have more now, but what really matters is that you get to experience the fullest form of what your jiu jitsu is – not theirs. 

If it’s hard, ask yourself: does it have to be? 

Some obstacles, instead of going through, may be worth going around. Question why you want to do something, and take exception to the rules. Not only will you develop critical thinking skills, but you will also build that important awareness of what you want for yourself. Consider where you can ease up and structure your jiu jitsu experience so that you can be in flow, a nexus of aligned challenge and skill.

Learn the way you learn best. When we are young, we are taught lessons by our parents or caretakers, and hopefully those lessons help us thrive when we are no longer children. Yet more often I have found that the lessons we learn as children no longer serve as, and that we do much better when we acknowledge that things are different now, and that we have different choices and options. 

A similar idea applies to your learning journey in jiu jitsu. While you may be taught the basics of how to “read” and “write” the proverbial language of jiu jitsu, it’s not a surprise that teaching methods are sometimes too much of a one-size-fits-all. So, after you have some foundation of what to do, go ahead and feel empowered to find what gets you excited to learn. Think about it this way: once you can read a little, no library section is forbidden to you.

Taking ownership of your jiu jitsu learning is part of a larger theme of taking ownership of your life. 

A greater degree of self-responsibility translates to a greater degree of self-trust. With that trust, you can guide yourself on the  journey of learning and growth.

You’re here to learn a martial art. You may have joined for self-defense, for exercise, or for friends, but as one of my mentors used to say, “Jiu jitsu isn’t HR.” At its core, jiu jitsu has the potential for suffocation, broken bones, and mangled joints (for all involved). 

In fighting, you can’t always be worried about how mean you are, and you can’t always hold back because you’re afraid of your own power. This isn’t always about making friends, nor is it about going at it alone. I’d like to think that the real maturity comes from figuring out what to do around the edges, when the time comes. Do not sabotage your progress to yield to friendship; the latter can and should be compatible with intense training that’s good for both souls. 

You are in charge of your jiu jitsu journey. Having a good coach is essential to learning jiu jitsu. You may have one or many coaches in your lifetime. They go by many names, including their first name. Some may insist on titles for one reason or another. 

Yet remember this: at the end of the day, coaches are human, and their expertise is in jiu jitsu – not life. A jiu jitsu coach is not your therapist, guardian, guru, or life expert. Sure, they may have valuable lessons to share that can transcend outside of the gym walls. Sure, they may seem to have all the answers for how to handle anxiety, stress, and toxicity in your life. Sure, they may preach the benefits of jiu jitsu and of coming to class, competing, coaching, and being helpful to your teammates. 

Yet should you find yourself struggling to keep alignment between your coach and yourself, remind yourself that the coach (not YOUR coach) may not always share the same values as you. They are in a different position of power at the school, and may also have had different life experiences that lead them to behave, talk, and think a certain way. 

You ultimately exercise the right to be independent in what decisions you make around training, how big of a role jiu jitsu occupies in your life, and, most importantly, which values are right for you. 

Fall in love with not jiu jitsu, but how jiu jitsu helps you love others and yourself. Along the journey, you will inevitably discover someone younger who has chosen the professional jiu jitsu path as their first foray into adulthood, after having suckled the teat of jiu jitsu tutelage since they were able to lift their head. You will be fed an artificial diet from social media and jiu jitsu outlets that the special sauce for happiness and success are championship wins (at all ranks), a massive following, and/or merchandise sponsorships, among other trappings. 

As a 30-something individual who has chosen corporations over competitions, I probably can’t be unbiased in my opinions about how this narrative sounds. 

My current belief is that I will rarely feel comfortable making decisions because of jiu jitsu, but I can get behind making decisions about jiu jitsu. 

I believe that one can pursue their dreams in jiu jitsu wholeheartedly, as long as they do not become nightmares. We don’t want to discount the intuitive aspects of ourselves that just know this path is right for us, yet we can make that path run much more smoothly if we plan, gather resources, think through what can go wrong, and move with intentionality.

Instead of diving into decisions about a jiu jitsu career that may impact you for several years, try smaller-scale micro-experiments to see if any change is right for you. There is a wide spectrum of possibility between the two extremes of (1) becoming an elite, black belt world champion that runs a world-class academy and (2) a non-competing hobbyist with a full-time job and family.  

After all, an unrequited passion is unfortunate, but a botched passion is tragic. 

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For every “little” sister and “big” sister that came before us, there will be many more to follow us. So, take this letter and use it as a starting point on your journey, as opposed to a definitive end. Where you take yourself will be so much greater and beautiful than any of us can imagine. 

There will be many more travails ahead – to this I say, don’t let those bastards grind you down. Remember resilience. Learn how to maintain boundaries, be kind to others (even when they’re not around), and ask yourself what you want and need in moments where you feel lost. 

With Love & Kindness,

Your Jiu Jitsu Big Sister