Garden State

Love It or Hate It

Back in Massachusetts, when I was still in college, my then boyfriend (now husband) introduced me to a cult classic called Garden State. The movie quickly became one of our favorite movies as it told a story that, for us, was about getting over the awkward and yet confusing parts of young adulthood, depression, and love.

A few weeks ago, I found myself at the actual “Garden State” — New Jersey — at my first judo tournament. I was twice the age of many of the competitors and at probably half, maybe less, of their confidence level. I never expected to compete in judo but after seeing my teammate fight at the US Nationals I felt like I also wanted to challenge myself and see what I could do against a fully resisting opponent.

Drink up, baby, down
Mmm, are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you

Let Go - Frou Frou

Judo is a lot less forgiving than jiu jitsu — losing in 30 seconds or less is common — and every single second on the mat matters. The realization of this dawned on me somewhere between the second and third hour of waiting for my division to start, in a gymnasium that might as well have doubled as the echo chamber of hell. No doubt there were other competitors too who were just as scared as I was, but I was the most acutely aware of how quickly I was falling into a hole of panic. The tournament organizations had thought I was a male because of my legal name on the registration sheet and then failed to tell me that I had no opponents until I waited for nearly an hour for someone to assist. While waiting for my match to start I kept on repeating the words “I don’t know what to do” aloud repeatedly, while my eventual opponent, who had beat the others without even breaking a sweat just stared stoically onto the mat.

On top of that, with my coach telling us that we HAD to win, I felt like the one option that I usually had when things got tough was not available to me. It was astoundingly clear that I could not, would not, and should not be passive at all during the match. And it was something that I was not prepared to do at all…but I had no choice.

Excuse me, too busy
You're writing your tragedy
These mishaps you bubble wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

I was coming off an incredible emotional roller coaster of a journey at the Pans Championship in Orlando, where I completely froze up emotionally and physically. I remember looking at my coach and then promptly getting locked up in a loop choke in closed guard from that moment of distraction.

It was that moment that I was thinking of when I stepped onto the mats for my first ever competitive judo match, against an opponent that had mowed through her opponents like they were nothing. But I was also thinking of a different moment. A memory of my strongest moment of strength from my Karate days. I was more fearless back then, more determined to succeed, and much, much less inclined to hold back. It was this memory that fired me up as I stepped onto the mat, even though I felt absolutely terrified.

Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later now
You can't await your own arrival
You've twenty seconds to comply

So let go, so let go and jump in
Oh, well, whatcha waiting for? It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

Garden State ends with the main character Andrew leaving Sam crying on the steps of the airport escalators. She sits in the middle, framed between the two choices — to stay or to go — as Andrew ascends on the right escalator.

I have often thought about this scene since coming back from the tournament. I think about the two escalators and what they symbolize. For me, the two escalators reflect the literal ups and downs of life as time passes — we are carried one way or another to a different place. There have been times in my life where I have felt this way: a hapless, helpless passive observer.

But somewhere in the Garden State, I found a middle path — the set of stairs, which can lead either up, down, or nowhere at all. The path in which you reach your goals step by step. The path for what I had been missing for a long time: the ability to move, to go, by choice, to where I want to be.

And I'm in love with you Samantha, I think that's the only thing I've ever really been sure of in my entire life. And I'm really messed up right now, and I got a whole lot of stuff I have to work out, but I don't want to waste any more of my life without you in it. And I think I can do this. I mean, I want to. I have to, right?