Before and after competitions, I’ve had a lot of people ask me how I’m feeling. Depending on the moment, my responses have ranged anywhere from a meme-based response to pure panic.
I’m not good with emotions. I’m one of those people that you might meet and then suggest after a while, “Have you tried meditating before?” because I’m full of anxiety and anxiety from anxiety.
My time with my newest therapist has helped me so much with the skill of emotional regulation. To start, she was the one who got me to buy into the idea that emotional regulation was not only a skill but also a skill that I could get good at — in competition, training, and other parts of life. She also opened my mind to the idea that emotional regulation — not overwhelming, unbreakable confidence — was the key to tapping into the more authentic version of myself to handle pressure, instead of caving or avoiding stressful situations entirely.
I’m not a mental health professional, but I’m learning to be somewhat of an expert on myself, in particular my relationship to emotions and their effect on me. I don’t know where I read it, but I stumbled across someone discussing how difficult it was to describe emotions in words. The idea resonated with me immediately. It’s hard to “put into words” an emotional experience because it is so personal that we can twist ourselves in knots trying to get an outsider to understand.
Until you’ve felt the feeling, it’s hard to know. And when you’ve felt the feeling, it’s hard to explain to someone else. (I’d like to think this is why my essays are so long, because I’m trying to get people to understand…)
This is why the question of “how I’m feeling” — when it comes to the moments of competition — are both vividly felt and vaguely phrased. It’s a task so daunting that when I ask myself, I almost don’t know the answer (and that’s okay).
But, it’s important to try. This is the impulse that has pushed me to write more personal stories. To be vulnerable. Because in trying to express emotion, it lends itself to a wonderful opportunity for meaningful connection (this doesn’t apply to sus people and jerks, though). Connection is the antidote to a lingering loneliness that has plagued me in almost every social activity I’ve done, and now, I’m learning how to keep that gnawing sense of alienation from eating into my happiness.
So…
Are you feeling me on this?