These past few weeks have been unexpectedly emotional. I always pride myself on being a logical and analytical person, but at some point when you find yourself crying in the darkness of your gym’s bathroom floor (made even more dramatic when the motion-sensor lights shut off), you start to concede that you may be human after all.
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn
I have felt small, insignificant and lonely these past few weeks in a way that I haven’t felt in a long time. It seemed as if a perfect storm of dreary weather, sleep deprivation, anxiety and changes in routine had descended in my otherwise happy little world. Only a few months ago I was talking about how I felt so awesome with my jiu jitsu. About how comfortable I felt in training. In the worst moments of my emotional turmoil, those moments faded away fast, and I wondered if they had been real at all.
Has life been all bad? No, not at all. In fact, as I’m so lucky to find out, I do have a ton of people who care about me and are quick to rush to my rescue when I’m feeling down. I got a lot of messages last night telling me exactly the opposite of what I had been saying to myself all weekend — I had convinced myself that I felt unloved, unnoticed, and unappreciated. In fact that has not been the case at all, and once again I have learned a valuable lesson in how much people do care about me, even if they don’t always show it.
And it's hard to dance with the devil on your back (shake him off)
And given half the chance would I take any of it back? (shake him off)
It's a fine romance, but it's left me so undone (shake him off)
It's always darkest before the dawn (shake him off)
The biggest difference in my life today versus in the past has to be in the fact that I’m learning to be a better advocate for myself, to set better boundaries, and to communicate more with people. I have always found it difficult to establish relationships, let alone genuine connection, with people. It isn’t obvious to others who see me from the outside, because if you didn’t know any better, you would assume that those connections are effortless.
No, they are actually really hard. Friendships don’t come easily to me not because I don’t want them but because I have to do a lot of extra work to click with someone. I do a good job because I try to tune into what the other person likes, what they’re interested in, and what they are feeling in the moment.
I have spent most of my life believing that if I could only give someone this or that, or have them think this or that — then it meant we had a connection of some sort.
The hard work has been realizing that perhaps someone is interested in me as a person, in my emotions and feelings and experiences — in just me — instead of my achievements, talent, skill, title, or rank.
The harder work has been to confront the dissonance between my self-loathing and the love that people gave me.
The hardest work has been allowing myself to feel that way towards me.
And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn
Not gonna lie, when I first read the title post and the flavor quotes I thought this was Shake it Off by Taylor Swift and wondered how a Swifty could be so dark. Your writing seems to have come a long way in terms of theme and tone. Admittedly, I am in this place right now and it's oddly refreshing to know that at the very least I'm not alone.
I actually do recall this December quite vividly; I was driving back from a NAGA tournament and it had stormed and poured all day. I had just bought a new camera and took a picture of my flooded backyard and thought: "I love this camera!" -- I sold it a few weeks later.
Tucked in a work donned blanket, I just watched anime (Yu-gi-oh) and ate popcorn all night; thinking nothing of it. And now as I listen to Florence and the Machine, I long for those days and that rainy mood. I hope I can look back and yearn for these days I'm in now because all I can think right now is...
SHAKE IT OUT, SHAKE IT OUT, SHAKE IT OUT, SHAKE IT OUT
OOOH WOAAAAH!