Cracked Time

a humpty dumpty experience

On Thursday I returned home and promptly cracked my Apple watch on the bathroom tile of my apartment, which prompted a resigned but resolute search to see who would be able to repair it. As I had feared, replacing a cracked watch screen (the latest model) would cost nearly as much as getting a new one. So, I took some CBD gummies, tried to not let the accident ruin my evening, and eventually drifted off to sleep.

When I woke up the next morning, my Apple watch still had its multitude of hairline fractures, but at least my sense of self was much less fractured, thanks to the healing power of sleep. What I did take from this was a sign that, perhaps, I had not been putting in as much intentional effort towards actually slowing down in my martial arts practice and being more fully present to the experiences in front of me.

I have not cut down on the number of projects that I’m doing, but I have been changing how, where, and why I approach certain projects. Maybe in the past I would have tried for certain achievements in order to appear more capable to my peers or coaches, but now I try to do them because I know that they will make me a better martial artist and overall a better person. Or, I would do something because I thought that is what I had to do in order to achieve a certain standard that I saw others possess.

Nowadays, I sit out on the things that don’t quite feel right to me, even if the historical, conditioned reaction would have been to dive in because I believed that I needed to do something in order to be someone.

This new way of operating through my feeling center has been a strange, but kind of nice, experience for me. I realize that some people have always operated through their emotions and probably look at this new discovery of mine with bemusement. Yet, given all that is going on, I do think that digging into one’s emotions, and acknowledging them as real, is crucial towards cultivating an inner experience that is joyous and optimal.

I’ve found that the best way to keep me from rushing through things, or treating situations with an impatient attitude, is to understand that part of the beauty is watching life grow and unfold. Maybe it’s better to some to have a bed of roses already growing in their front yard, but to me it’s much more gratifying to see life go from bud to blossom as the weeks progress.

In the same way, I feel like my view of my martial arts process has matured, as I am no longer trying so hard to get to that next step, that next competition, get over that hurdle or that next milestone. Those will come in time and part of the maturity is realizing that I have much to gain from stepping back and being calm about where I am, where I want to be, and where I was. That is not to say that I am without amibition — rather, I feel even more desire to succeed — but as an aspiration, I would like to allow this ambition to mix with a more gentle and compassionate attitude towards myself.

My hope for my jiu jitsu in the rest of this year is to be one about focused enjoyment, mental excellence, and detachment from the result. None of these will be easy or easily measured, and this I have to accept. What I do know to be real, though, is that if I do continue to intentionally transform myself and open myself to new possibilities, then I will be able to truly partake in the fullest experience of what it is to be alive.

Thanks for reading and reflecting,
Tracy Huang
The Mental Arts